I wish I could go back and tell that woman who was hiding in the closet crying; “That things were going to be ok.” “Please don’t be so hard on yourself.” “The feelings you are having are normal.” “Lastly, give yourself some grace, you are doing the best that you can.”
Because of Greg’s work schedule, I was alone much of the time caring for our boys. He worked tremendously hard to put a roof over our heads and food on the table.
It was hard and it took both of us.
The demands on an autism mom or any special needs mom can be overwhelming and exhausting and I have felt every bit of each. Countless moments on our autism journey have been indescribably hard, especially the first several years. From the outside, I think I made it look easy and that I had it together all the time, but honestly, I didn’t.
I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and it was trial and error most of the time. Read a book; try this. Read an article; try that. I had no knowledge of the many characteristics of autism; Poor sleeping, tantrums, walking in circles, repetitive behavior, obsessive behaviors, poor eye contact, eating issues, speech delay. In 1987, there were no support groups, or FaceBook pages, no friends to call that had the same struggles I did.
Getting by on just a few hours of sleep, day after day, does not give you what you need to be everything to everyone. I felt extreme guilt about the time I wasn’t able to give Clint. I doubt he remembers. But I do.
People avoided asking questions, as the autism world had not come knocking at many doors during those years. The invitations dwindled and my phone rang less and less. I easily laughed things off, pretending that it didn’t bother me. Never once thinking it was because of anything I had done. Perhaps just an assumption that I didn’t have the time; and they were probably right. But just being asked would have been nice.
Determined to do it all, I didn’t take help when it was offered. “Who could possibly take better care of Ross than me?” “Who could catch Ross’s hidden cues better than me.?” So many times, I felt isolated and lonely, even in a room full of people. I neglected to take time for myself. I kept hidden a quiet defeat that no one could understand.
It took years for me to settle into what is now this wonderful existence that I call my life. The internal doubt and sadness are not at all as great as in years past, but every now and again, they creep in. I let them stay there a while, knowing it is okay to have all the feelings and that I will see the light again.
I am forever grateful to those around me who helped me through my darkest days. Many of you don’t realize how much I needed your kind smile, a hug, or your words of encouragement.
If you can offer help, or give a hug to someone going down a similar road, please do. They need it more than you know.
It has been hard, very hard. But I would choose my beautiful, blessed life and all of it’s challenges over and over again.
